February 13 2017

Paul Nuttall Unfazed By Screeching Press Before Stoke Election

Paul Nuttall, who is campaigning for the position of MP for Stoke, has recently been hit with attempts to sully him in the public eye by claiming it's a bad thing he has rented a property there.

Despite "carpetbagging" (a political term for campaigning for a seat where you don't live) being a long-lived tradition amongst politicians and despite this never being raised for any other candidate, the Labour party has issued an unparalleled amount of autistic screeching, (echoed in the press) about the fact that a carpetbagger has at least shown willing and taken steps to make sure he can actually be around the people who will vote for him.

We spoke to a local Labour supporter, Mr Ivor Ree-Tower, who told us "Well, it's just unthinkable that someone from UKIP, the party of Hitler and Goebbels is allowed to live here. The offensiveness of him attempting to do so should be enough to ban him from this election."

Speaking to The Daily Online, Mr Nuttall explained his take on the situation.

"It's just more political mud-slinging by the commie, Fabian elitists. They know they are going to be roundly beaten so are trying to cancel the fight."

"It's refreshing to see this approach against a me to be honest, normally they go for death threats."

In an interview last December, he famously revealed he had been threatened with a "bullet in the head" by Antifa.

"No bother at all that. Didn't make a dent on my psyche whatsoever. I told the man straight, come round and see me and just try shooting me. I'll knock the bullet clean out of the air with a swift uppercut then follow it up with Mortal Kombat style decapitation finishing move on the perpetrator."

Nuttal was chosen as the leader for UKIP after Diane James dropped out due to death threats. UKIP held a last man standing cage fight to determine the toughest party member, and Nuttall emerged victorious with three fatalities.

"I really wanted to finish off Carswell, that bloody cuckoo in the nest, but he didn't have the balls to step in the ring. He had a doctors note excusing him but it was pretty obviously written in his own handwriting. "

Labour are on the ropes when it comes to this election. They beat UKIP last time by a mere five thousand votes, and with UKIP being the only strong BREXIT party in the area, the 70% of the populace there who voted for BREXIT are likely to vote him in.
"None of the other parties can be trusted with BREXIT. Everyone knows this. It should be a cakewalk."

As the interview concluded, Nuttall looked me straight in the eyes with a steely gaze and said one last parting thought.

"If I don't get voted in, it will be because they've fixed the ballot somehow. Believe me, by bullet or by ballot, Stoke will be mine. If they deny me this once, they will never be able to deny it me again. I make no threats, but ashes cannot vote."