February 21 2017

Suspicious Death Of Russian Envoy Ruled Completely Unsuspicious

The Russian envoy to the U.N. in Washington has died suddenly of an apparent heart attack (Reuters). A Federal law official has ruled that this is completely normal.

"We don't know who would want to try and provoke a war with Russia by assassinating someone so that's out of the question. I'm also 100% sure that this is completley unrelated to the other recent Russian ambassador assassination (The Guardian)."

We spoke to a CIA operative and he assured us it had nothing to do with them.

"Sure, we have had a lot of problems with the new president hating us and calling us out on twitter (Twitter). Probably something to do with us claiming Russia helped him win the election (Twitter). But we'd never be spiteful and try some kind of Franz Ferdinand type assassination to cause a rift between the USA and Russia."

"And if we did, we definitely didn't use our declassified heart attack gun." (Youtube).